StinkyLemsky: A Child of the 80s Grows Up

Spoilers within (AI, Biggest Loser, Amazing Race)

Dear Reality Television -

     You know what? You and I are thin ice, Mister. Seriously! First of all - Allison gets kicked off American Idol. I mean, COME ON - she was the only spunky one in the bunch. Yes, I know, the judges love Adam Lambert and they all go and make out in the dressing room with him during commercial breaks because he is just so. freaking. amazing - and was in Wicked - blah blah - but frankly I'm a little tired of him & his antics. Give me Allison and her incredibly surprising voice any day of the week. Now - if Adam could come out (ha ha - no pun intended) and sing a little Bon Jovi, then we'd be cooking with fire. He was close with Aerosmith, but not perfect.

     Secondly - my least favorite team won the Amazing Race. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?! They spend THREE legs in China, where only one of the teams speaks Mandarin (hey - here is your road block challenge - write down five people's food orders <in Mandarin> and give the orders to the chef <in Mandarin>! Won't that be so difficult <for everyone else who doesn't speak Mandarin?!!?!>). How is this even fair? THREE legs in one country where only one team speaks the language?! And don't even get me started on the Lame-O challenge where all they had to do was throw fish to a bird. REALLY? Because that's so difficult?

     I hesitate to even ASK about America's Next Top Model, as I've not yet watched the finale and I have a feeling that for the THIRD straight season, my favorite competitor <first Renee, then AnaLeigh, then Allison> will not win. And you know what? That gets a tiny bit frustrating! I get the feeling that Tyra's pulling her little puppetmaster strings in the background, forcing all the girls to do pagan ritual sacrifices for the honor of even participating in filming each week - who knows what else those girls go through - but that doesn't mean they all deserve to WIN. No, no, no - it should be the person with the best photos, right? Or are we following the Amazing Race guidelines now? I know - let's switch contestants and put the models through road blocks and the racers through photo shoots and group living! Am genius.

     Finally, disappointment of all disappointments- Helen wins Biggest Loser. HELEN - the woman who let her daughter go back home (her much more overweight and obviously under-appreciated and un-loved daughter)instead of sacrificing herself. All the other parents on the show were singing the tune of "save my son, protect my daughter," while Helen was all "no no, my daughter WANTS to go home, she obviously has no problem losing weight on her own!" Hmmm. Not so sure about that, Helen. AND - most annoying of all - Helen clocks in a a whopping 117 pounds! Hello, anorexic movement, welcome to a very inspiring television show! Perhaps you and the bulimics should get together and imitate the contestants on the Biggest Loser because you, too, can be skin and bones if you work out 8 hours a day and eat Jenni-O! Poor, poor unsinkable Tara. You deserved the victory! Rest assured you are a winner in my book - perhaps not a 250K winner, but that's beside the point.

     So, Reality Television, I ask you to please clean up your act. If you continue to disappoint, I may have to remove a few season passes from the Tivo - and you were SO excited when I added The Real Housewives (New York and New Jersey), weren't you? You wouldn't want to risk missing THAT type of high quality programming, right? RIGHT?!

Until next season,

Yours truly,

Becky

Mowing = Success

Much to my surprise, my first attempt at mowing the lawn at our house was a roaring success. Okay, well, a moderate success. There aren't any gorgeous golf-course stripes or anything, but the grass isn't knee-high either. I give myself a solid B+ for effort. Mitch refused to sit inside while I mowed, so he walked around aiming weed killer at clover patches. It should be noted, however, that when the previous homeowners weren't interested in landscaping, 75% of your lawn quickly becomes clover and weeds.

Try using a hand spray bottle to kill 75% of your lawn - that's almost as much of a workout as mowing it! I think Mitch is going to get carpal tunnel from the exertion. Next time, we're totally going for the bottle that has a "continuous five minute spray" - totally worth the extra $7.

In other news, I'm back on track with my triathlon training. The race is June 21st and while I'm not sure that I'll be completely ready, I am fairly convinced that I'll at least be able to finish. Of course, in typical female fashion, I'm more concerned at this point about what I'll be wearing than anything else. You see, there are special clothes designed for triathlons - fast-dry shorts and tank tops that you swim in.

HOWEVER - I do not have the typical triathlete's body. Let's just say the "built in support" in a triathlon shirt is laughable when it comes to me + running. At the risk of alienating the few male readers that I have, let's just say MY running bra is a tad bit more sturdy. Like, cast in stone sturdy. Not breezy, fast drying, 'I'm a skinny runner girl so all I need is a tank' style.

Yes, this is my concern. Not the 500m swim, the 21mi bike, or the 5mi run - but the bra. Twisted, I know.

Nothing like jumping in feet first...

The last few days have been a whirlwind at la casa StinkyLemsky. I took Friday off work (yes, I am totally that girl who takes a "vacation day" three days before she is laid off) because I simply had too much to do and not enough time to do it in. I couldn't rely on using my weekend time to tackle my to-do list because hubby and I went to the lake with my family. I have to work today and tomorrow - and my flight to Baltimore to meet my new bosses takes off Wednesday morning!

I'm re-thinking this whole "I can start right away" idea. Oh well, it's too late... It can't be helped now, Jack. (If you can name that movie reference I will be seriously impressed. Also - we must be long lost sisters).

Today at lunch I ran across the street to Macy's to pick up the final installment of my new makeup collection at MAC. I had originally tried to accomplish this task a few weeks ago when my favorite-sister-in-law was in town, but the crowd was ridiculous. You'd think they were giving away free vials of water taken directly from the fountain of youth or something. Today was significantly less crowded, as I was the only person at the counter for the most part. Really, though, I was still a little bit disappointed. I was purchasing a LOT of makeup - to me this was a purchase that should be commemorated with a margarita and an all-night-viewing-marathon of Gilmore Girls to mark the occasion. To say the sales girl lacked enthusiasm is a vast understatement. What is it about cosmetic counters that manage to make you feel like you're an imposter even when you come equipped with a detailed list of expensive purchases? I wanted to shout, "Look at my list! That's going to be a biiig purchase! Am I good enough NOW, MAC?!" Don't even get me started on Sephora. I've only worked up the courage to shop there twice. 

Of course, it could just be my own feelings of inadequacy - I feel the same way shopping at Ann Taylor Loft and the Limited. Am I the only one?

What would you do?

Okay, my dear readers, today you are going to be playing the part of "Dear Abby." Please get your thinking caps on and prepare to dole out the advice.

Lately, at work, I've been dealing with a certain situation and I want to see how you would handle it (don't worry, it's not directly related to my work, so I feel pretty confident that it's okay to post). Here goes... I sit at the receptionist desk (I'd take a picture and post it here so you could get a visual image, but there's a HUGE neon sign directly behind my desk that would make it pretty darn obvious which beer company I work for & I'd prefer to not get fired for blogging at work, if you know what I mean). So, basically, just picture a huge receptionist desk and little ole me sitting at it. My job is to 'buzz in' all visitors - delivery people in particular. One such delivery person (I'm not naming company names or anything, but let's just say he's got a brown uniform...) has been notoriously flirtatious with me in general. My coworkers have noticed and teased me about it, my husband and I have joked about it, so it's definitely not a secret and it's perfectly harmless right?

Or, well... is it? Things have started to get more uncomfortable. Last week, he said, "Hey, do you want to go somewhere quiet and talk?" and I basically ignored him and signed for the package without comment. In my opinion, that was crossing a line. Today, he made comments like "oh - why don't you move to Kansas City - my folks have an extra place there and we could live together," and "Oh, your husband has been cheating on you with {rival beer company} girls," and "I don't mind waiting {for me to print a shipping label} I'll just stand here and look at your beauty." Okay, BARF, right? Also? Annoying. Don't get me wrong, I used to be a bartender, so I can handle a slightly awkward conversation. It's just getting to the point where his flirtatious comments are making me truly uncomfortable.

In fact, I have a trainee sitting at my desk who witnessed the whole exchange and agreed that I was doing absolutely nothing to encourage the comments and that I was obviously not comfortable responding to him / conversing with him in general. A separate coworker was in a nearby conference room, heard the exchange, and recommended I call our contact at the delivery company immediately and report his behavior. So I really don't think it's all just in my mind.

Now, here's the advice section of the post... What do I do? Should I call our sales manager and request a different delivery person? Is that really necessary when I am only going to be around the office for another 2 or 3 weeks? I do think he's perfectly harmless, but if I had to put up with him for another year or two I would definitely call and request a change / report his comments.

What would you do?

a) Call and report the behavior, requesting a new driver - he's being completely unprofessional.

b) Ignore it, you only have to put up with it for a few more weeks (and he could potentially get fired).

c) Other

Thank you readers, in advance!

Breaking Dawn - A review, WITH SPOILERS

In case you thought I was joking my title - there will be SPOILERS in this post regarding Breaking Dawn, the fourth and final book in the Twilight series.

Consider yourself warned...

 

I'm not kidding...

 

Enter at your own risk...

 

This means you, MOM....

 

Okay, the coast should be clear now. So, I finished reading Breaking Dawn two days ago (after three days of frenzied reading until WAY after bedtime). I have to admit, I really enjoyed it. Honestly, I was surprised at how suspenseful and enjoyable the plot was - even if it was tidied up a bit too neatly at the end. Without further adieu, here are my thoughts:

* Was there some kind of restriction on the number of books that the author wanted to write in the series? It seemed like she fit So Much Plot into Breaking Dawn that really could have been split into two or three more books. Especially when you consider the pacing of the first book. Not that I'm complaining (I found the first half of Twilight extremely boring), but I was just surprised. I'm sure the series is a cash cow & you'd think the publisher would want to draw that out as much as possible.

* I found the climax a bit of a let-down. After so much build-up and excitement, it was almost laughable that they were all able to talk down their differences and everyone (well, nearly everyone) walked away unscathed. I would have loved to see an attempted battle at least; with Bella's powers being key to success. I guess I do understand why the author kept the Voluturi intact - we wouldn't want to end the story with zero "government" in the vampire world (otherwise we'd all be screaming 'sequel', right?). Ugh - I hated that part of the Angel series finale. Ending the series with complete and utter chaos and no hope of escape - what a disappointment. But, I digress.

* I was really happy with the resolution of the Jacob/Bella friendship/unrequited love. I mentioned before that I would have chosen Jacob for his offer of a more "normal" life with children and aging and marriage, but I really enjoyed seeing the Renesmee development and imprinting plot. By the way, that storyline reminded me AGAIN of the Angel series. Darla, anyone? I also really liked how the author didn't drag out Bella's conversion and painted it in more of a necessary light than as a choice she was making. I know she would have made that choice anyway, but it was easier to stomach when it was done to "save" her.

* I couldn't help but giggle at the thought of casting for this movie. Who on earth is going to play Renesmee?! The world's most perfect child - growing by the day. I think they may need to get the special effects guys from Benjamin Button to pull that off. (HEY - they should get Suri or Shiloh!!!)

* I was really disappointed in Alice's role throughout the first 3/4 of the book. She had been Bella's best friend and hardly made an appearance after the wedding. Oh, and they totally didn't fool me at the end - come on, we all knew Alice would come back, right? I was so happy when she finally did, but I wonder if her relationship with Bella will be strained now that Rosalie took her place for so long. 

* I was also disappointed in the wrap-up of the Leah / Seth storyline. We got to see so much character development during the Jacob section & then the plot was pretty much dropped once the narration went back to Bella. Couldn't we have seen an imprinting for Leah? Or at least some peace for her - everyone else had their plots wrapped up after all. Well, except Renee. Are we just meant to assume that Bella won't ever see her again? Maybe I missed those details in my haste to finish the book.

* I think one thing that was holding me back from "team Edward" was Bella's age - and once I let that go and pretended that she was 25 or so, it was much easier for me to handle the plot. (I use a similar strategy when watching Gossip Girl). I am sorry, but I was in love at 18 too - and let me tell you what, I am SO glad I didn't sign on to forever in THAT relationship. Maybe that's why I was so cynical about the "love at first sight and for all eternity" thing - thank goodness I waited until my real "Edward" came along. However, after the wedding and honeymoon scenes in the book I felt much more comfortable with their relationship.

So, there you have it. An entirely inconclusive and not-all-encompassing review of Breaking Dawn. I still feel very strongly that there is no comparison with the Harry Potter series (just look at what JK Rowling did with the use of tragedy, death, and loss - those novels really made you aware that the characters were risking their life in a war against evil). However, the Twilight series was a fun and suspenseful read. I am sure I will re-read the books many times (always a good measure of how much I liked the story), and will definitely be watching the movies as they're released.

However, don't think this means I'll be wearing the Cullen family crest any time soon - even I have my limits.

Warning - Neurosis Exposed Ahead

     Can someone please explain why it's reasonable for a dentist to make you feel guilty about your childhood habits? No, seriously. When you go to the doctor and they notice you're a bit outside the healthy BMI range, do they give you a stern, know-it-all look and say, "My, you must have really enjoyed the sweets as a child" and then turn away with an evil grin on their face? Because, that, my friends, is what my dentist said to me yesterday. 

     What is that all about? Because, you know what? I am terrified of the dentist. Terrified. It's difficult enough for me to just make an appointment. Anything more than a teeth cleaning requires two nerve pills and a designated driver (in case I have a nervous breakdown in the car). Having the level of anxiety that I do, getting cavities filled as a child was nothing short of torture. My adrenaline ate right through the novacaine shots and I always felt some level of pain. Sometimes, a very high level of pain. It's no surprise that dogs have to be asleep while their teeth are cleaned - there's something just unnatural about the whole process. We, as human beings, are really just animals - and to expect us to sit still while someone gropes around in there with scary-sounding instruments just goes against all that is right and natural in the world. 

     So, when I just spent the last few weeks dreading my dentist appointment and I finally show up and cringe my way through my bi-annual teeth cleaning in a cold sweat (while holding back tears, and I am so not joking, people), only to have my dentist smugly comment on the fact that yes, I ate candy as a child (oh, and that he sees a LOT of crowns in my future) well - let's just say it's a tad more than I can handle.

     I think I need to hit the phone book and look up one of those "dentists for the scared and highly neurotic" because I really don't think I can go back there again.

But do NOT think this means I'll be getting a MySpace account (plus a Twilight review)

 Okay, so I did it. I went ahead (after much poking and prodding by my friends) and got myself a brand-spanking-shiny-new facebook account! I did! I am like, so totally hip now.

 

Or something.

 

Also – so totally frustrated. Apparently my workplace internet connection is operating at the speed of a coconut-telephone-dialup connection because I have to wait a few minutes for the page to load every time I click on something. (Insert Jeopardy theme song here). If this is going to be the case every time I log on, I may not last very long.

...Facebook has now crashed my Gmail connection. I’m not sure we can be friends anymore after this. Sure, sure, it’s like denying the most popular kid in school a seat at your lunch table, but what can I say? Choose your friends (and your internet time wasters) wisely, I always say.

 

Okay, I don’t always say that – but it kind of reminds me of this wretchedly, horribly awful movie (aka time waster) I watched on Tivo this weekend. I was cleaning out old programs and I stumbled across “Teen Witch,” a movie I had recorded during ABC Family’s Halloween programming marathon. And, oh my goodness, it was awful. Now, I’m not one for gory, bloody, actually scary Halloween movies, so that’s why I went to ABC Family to satisfy my seasonal spooky movie cravings (knowing, as I do, their penchant for family friendly fare – with the exception of The Exorcist, which is more like serial-killer-friendly-fare, but I digress).

 

ANYWAY – sorry – this is what waiting on an internet connection does to me (I’m currently uploading a profile picture, I hope it’s up before the next presidential election) – I finally got around to watching Teen Witch and let me tell you, it fully and completely blew “The Worst Witch” out of the water as far as horrible Halloween movies go. I mean, it was REALLY bad, people. The plot was nonexistent and had holes larger than a Sweet Valley High paperback novel and the music was – ugh – I’m going to have to consult my thesaurus and go with dreadful (though I’m not sure that really conveys the appalling lack of substance). I am not kidding you – half the time I thought the movie was going to turn into a triple X feature because of the wailing saxophone.

 

Shudder. It was bad.

 

Hmm, I’m sure there’s a segue in here somewhere, but I’m just going to jump right in and talk about Twilight – the movie that is. Now, this is just my opinion, so please don’t flame me, but I thought the first half of the movie was just as mind-numbingly boring as the first half of the book. I turned to my mom at one point (I convinced her to join me by promising to share popcorn with her – extra salt, just the way she likes it) and said, “Riveting, huh?” I couldn’t help but giggle. I mean, it was so slow, and so formulaic, and so (dare I say) boring!

 

After the action started I was much more entertained. If the entire movie had been full of action sequences, I would have enjoyed it much more, I think. I give it a solid C+ overall. I’ll still go see the sequels, and of course I’ll finish up Harvest Moon (is that the fourth one?) as soon as it arrives in the mail, but I'm not going to be purchasing a "Team Edward" shirt any time soon. For one thing, I really think I’d have choosen Jacob (oh man, I can see the pitchforks headed at me now) and that’s the reason why I’m glad I waited until I was 28 to get married. Edward is bad news and dangerous and cold.  Like, freezing. All the time. Jacob is sweet (and warm) and makes Bella happy and they could have a future with children and oh, I don’t know, sleeping and heartbeats and food and all that jazz.

 

Call me crazy, but any relationship that removes life from the equation just isn’t for me.

It’s Fall. At least, unofficially

Though the calendar on the wall tells me that the 'official' first day of Autumn is September 22nd, I would argue otherwise. To me, Labor Day is the definitive 'last day of summer' around these parts. Now that the pools are closed, college football season is upon us (Go Buckeyes!), school is back in session, and the days are growing shorter every week, it has to be Fall.

 

I just love this time of year! First of all, there’s the food – big steaming pots of chili, homemade tomato basil soup with a grilled cheese sandwich, and stick-to-your-ribs recipes like pot-roast and beef stew… what more could a girl ask for? And, of course, there’s the clothing! Sweaters, jeans, boots, coats, scarves… before you know it, it’ll be time to bundle up against the crisp air of the season. Oh, and who could forget the added expectation of the upcoming holiday season (which we all know starts with Halloween)?

 

Sure, there’s a downside – for one thing my classes have started up full-force. I have a total of five group projects between my two MBA classes, not to mention four exams and an individual strategic audit report – all due in the next few months. It’s my last semester of the MBA program and I’m thinking it’ll be the most difficult. I’ll also be getting the final word on my job in October – whether or not I’ll be offered a promotion and the opportunity to work from home. I’m 99% sure that working from home will be out of the question; and as I’m not planning on moving to our new office location in Kansas City, I’ll likely be unemployed by next year.

 

So, yes, there are a lot of changes coming my way. Even though it’ll get crazy, I keep telling myself that this Fall will surely be less stressful than the last one (when I was planning a wedding; finding, buying, and moving into a house; working; and going to school full-time). Yes, school will be difficult, but I’ll get it done. Losing my job is going to be rough, but I’ve been job-searching for months so something is bound to turn up soon.

Right?

 

Besides, I’ve got thoughts of pumpkin carving, corn-maze exploring, and weekend football barbeques to get me through the rough patches. And I can always rely on a cup of hot cocoa to cheer me up.

 

With extra marshmallows, of course.

 

So, no matter what the calendar says, I am declaring it Fall in St. Louis - and I couldn't be more excited.

Somebody isn’t paying attention…

It’s Friday. And normally Fridays are prime opportunities for me to write lengthy blog posts, complete with cropped and arranged photos for your viewing pleasure. Photos that take hours to gather (hey – have you ever tried to sift through 2,400 wedding pictures that all look exactly the same? These things take time). Normally, I’m so bored on Fridays that I’m tempted to write twelve posts – anything to make the clock tick by a little faster as I sit in my ghost-town of an office.

Today, however, is an exception. Today, I’m one happy camper because I’m actually busy at work. I’ll wait here while you pick yourself up from the floor.

Ready? Okay. I’ll continue. As I was saying, I’m busy today. Busy is such a foreign concept to me at this point that whenever I actually have eight hours of work to do I have to stop myself from jumping onto the rooftop and singing with joy.

Busy and I are friends, you see.

So today you won’t be getting another wedding story post, or a lengthy photo post, or even a new digital scrapbooking post (you can expect all of the above next week). No, today you’ll just be getting a regular old blog post. A commentary on life in today’s society. A witty Seinfeld-esque story straight from La Casa-StinkyLemsky to you.

Here's the scoop - Mitch and I have been getting some mystery mail lately. Mail addressed to our imaginary friend, Mr. Mirel. As a matter of fact, Mr. Mirel lives in our house and shares our last name. He gets credit card applications and grocery store circulars and pizza coupons. He even gets postcards from insurance companies and banks! He's one popular fellow (though he's lousy at paying rent). I’ve tried to convince Mitch that Mirel is really some accidental shortening of Mitchell; that at some point a telemarketer or list-buyer or sweepstakes-code-enterer typed the wrong letters and 'Mitchell' became 'Mirel', but Mitch isn't buying it. 

So, I’ve been dutifully recycling Mirel's daily mailings over the last several months. But yesterday, well... yesterday I found out something new about Mirel. Something shocking. Something totally and completely scandalous.

You see, according to a Kimberly Clark sample pack received in yesterday's mail, Mr. Mirel is actually…… a woman.

I know, I was shocked too.

Hey, we all do it, right?

I went to the bathroom at work today and realized that our cleaning lady was hiding in there. Again. I guess she just gets bored and hides in the bathroom. I can’t really blame her - I mean, I used to have a job as a hall monitor for my old high school and I’d get so bored that I’d hide in the bathroom with a paperback novel to pass the time.

I know, I know. You have to be pretty desperate to hide in a bathroom. I was. Seriously, my job duty was to walk the halls all day long. All day… walk walk walk. Run an errand for a teacher here, escort a student there, deliver a phone message here. Day in, day out, 7 hours a day. Eventually I decided to give up my walkie-talkie responsibilities and switch to substitute teaching. It was much more enjoyable, albeit less stable (I never knew if I would get a position until the night before).

Anyway, the cleaning lady in the bathroom made me realize that I have my own set of public restroom rules, as I’m sure we all do. 

# 1: I never bring food into the restroom. If I have something with me (a soda, bag of chips, whatever) I’ll leave it in the hallway on the floor. And then, when I get out of the bathroom, I’ll wonder if someone put something in my cup (I don’t know – drugs, razor blades, used syringes) and half the time I can’t even bring myself to drink it.

     I know – that’s weird right? I think it comes from all of those dire warnings to inspect my Halloween candy when I was a little kid.

# 2: I am a squatter. I do NOT understand how people take the time to put a neat little layer of toilet paper on the seat every time they go. For one thing, I drink a lot of water and I have to go quite often (I’d say 5 or 6 times during the workday). That’s a little too frequently to be making my own 2-ply seat cover when a simple squat will suffice.

# 3: I know there’s a whole routine you’re supposed to perform - when you’re washing your hands - where you’re supposed to get the paper towel first, wash, and then use the towel to open the door handle. Yeah, I don’t. After washing, I just get the towel and then throw it away.

     Sure, I’m probably defeating the purpose of the hand wash in the first place if I’m just going to touch the public door handle right afterwards, but I’m just being honest.

# 4: I use my foot to flush. Always have, always will. Unless I’m at home, of course.

# 5: I never put my purse down on the floor in the restroom. If there’s no hook, I’ll perform every maneuver possible to hold my purse while taking care of business. It’s currently a clutch, so degree of difficulty is high (considering rule #2).

So tell me, do you have any iron-clad rules for taking care of business? Do different rules apply when you’re at work? Am I the only one who’s not following the “use the paper towel to open the door” rule? (I really hope not, because I really don't think I can convert).